Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
