god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
