i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Randomize
