Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
