last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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