I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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