I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
