everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Randomize
