I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Randomize
