Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
