how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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