A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize