just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
