Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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