it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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