i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
