Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
