Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
