I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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