some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Well I just put wine in my tea
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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