I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Be still, my beating vagina.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Drunk is a universal language darling
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize