so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
