Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize