I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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