the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
