I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
