I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
