I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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