Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
