porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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