Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
