How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Randomize
