Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize