I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize
