Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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