Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
My liver just had a heart attack.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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