I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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