Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
