I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize