If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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