I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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