Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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