I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
