Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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