Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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