There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
