In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
