i wish my penis had a tongue
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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