I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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