I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
