but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Randomize
