Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
