I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
