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So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
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