she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
3pm strippers are depressing
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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