I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
