I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
