speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
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