3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
