We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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