His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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