seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
