I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
