i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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