I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
