Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
