just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
