whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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