he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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