I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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