I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
